disappear
by shyesplease
Summary: "Deleted" scene from 3x18. Barry visits Caitlin after her surgery. Sort of an explanation for why he wasn't there at the end. Subtle romantic Snowbarry. Friendship feels.


**A/N:** Set before her one-on-one conversation with Julian in 3x18.

* * *

After the team was able to send Abra Kadabra back to Earth-19 with Gypsy, Barry found himself wandering towards Caitlin's lab. Through the doorway, Barry could see her lying down peacefully, with her eyes closed, sleeping. He watched her, taking comfort in the fact that her chest was rising and falling normally, her face clear from discomfort.

"I don't have cooties, you know," he heard her raspily say, making him jump in surprise at her wakefulness.

He chuckled as he walked into the lab, taking a seat besides her. "I thought you were sleeping," he told her gently.

She opened her eyes fully to look at him, and he'd never been so happy to see those brown eyes in his life. "I was," Caitlin answered, her voice still frail, "and then the weight of some creep staring at me woke me up," she joked.

"I'll speak with Julian about that later," he joked right back, earning a hearty laugh from his doctor that immediately reminded both of the scientists of what she had been through as she held her side in fresh pain, wincing.

Swallowing down heavy emotion, Barry took her hand in his own, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, reveling in the general warmth it was radiating. "You really scared us all today," he whispered, as if speaking too loud would reveal that this was all just an illusion and shatter it to pieces. He tightened his grip - too afraid that if he let go she'd leave him.

"It's not like I planned to get impaled this morning," Caitlin noted dryly, before the one side of her mouth upturned into a lazy smirk.

"Don't joke, please," Barry pleaded with her, frowning. Just the thought that he almost lost… "You could've-"

"I didn't," she interrupted him with an amused expression on her face, and instantly he was transported back a few years ago when they were still new to the superhero thing, and still new to each other, and the roles were reversed. He finally understood her worry.

He let out a small laugh at the irony, though his lips were wavering as he felt himself getting worked up. His eyes were starting to sting as his mind kept on focusing on what could have happened if she…his breath hitched.

"Hey," she let out softly, squeezing his hand a few times to get his attention, noticing that he was getting upset. Barry clenched his jaw, steeling himself, trying to prevent from getting too emotional. "I'm here. I'm alright."

Barry quickly nodded his head, knowing she was - seeing she was, but a lone tear fell from his eye nevertheless. "I know, I just, It was a close call, and I couldn't even do anything to help."

Caitlin let out a sigh. "It's fine, Barry, really," she told him, her voice soft and patient, just like snow descending gracefully from the sky. "You were scared. You're allowed to be scared."

" _You're_ scared when I get hurt, but you still manage to always patch me up - no matter how bad it is."

"I'm also a well-practiced doctor, Barry," she let out lightly, throwing him a smile that did manage to make if feel a tiny bit better. "It's what I'm trained to do."

He dropped his head onto the thin mattress, feeling another couple tears fall onto the sheet. He hadn't been merely scared, he had been petrified. He had been shaking like a leaf as he watched her so bravely talk through her own operation, watching her, hoping that every time they made eye-contact that it wouldn't be the last, because he couldn't lose her. Just the thought of it made his chest tighten and his eyes burn. "I can't lose you, Cait," he confessed to her brokenly, causing Caitlin's own face to soften over the admission.

"Barr," Barry's head snapped around to face the person who had called him, Iris. Upon seeing his tears, she stepped forward, worried. "You okay?"

The speedster wiped at his eyes, sniffing. "Yeah," he said, waving his emotions off. "Did you need something?"

"Yeah...um," his fiance started, looking between Barry and Caitlin, and he swore her eyes zeroed in on their linked hands before she flashed them both an embarrassed smile, shaking her head. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm heading over to Dad's. Wasn't sure if you were coming or not…" she trailed off, waiting for his answer.

"I'm going to stay here," Barry told Iris, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb on Caitlin's hand.

Iris nodded understandably. "Hope you feel better, Caitlin," Iris then said to the other women sincerely, sending her kindest regards as she dipped back out of the room.

Barry turned back to his personal physician to find her furrowing her brows, looking pensive as she regarded him. "You should go, Barry, and be with Iris."

"No," he said wretchedly, shaking his head adamantly and frowning at her for even suggesting it. "Cait, you almost died. I'm not leaving your side. Not tonight."

Caitlin bit her lip, breaking their gaze. She manuevered his hand so she could intertwine their fingers, intensely watching them mingle. "I want you to go," she told him, looking back up at him, smiling sadly.

"You don't want me here?" he asked, saddened by the thought. He wanted to be here for her. He had been so caught up and worried over Iris that he lost sight of what could happen to Caitlin - or any of them, really. He didn't want to be like that - not anymore.

Her eyes widened a bit. "Of course I do," she assured him, but her eyes looked bereft of something. "But I don't want you losing time with Iris or losing time to figure out how to save her because you're with me. I'm fine," she said, but it felt like she was trying to convince herself to convince him.

"But-"

"No buts," she interrupted pointedly. "Doctor's orders," she lightly commanded with a watery smile.

A genuine chuckle bubbled passed his lips. "Are you even allowed to do that when you're technically the patient?"

"Of course," she answered immediately, causing smiles to break out on both of their faces, though her smile was starting to get droopy as she began to get tired again.

She watched him for a moment, studying him, noticing his reluctance to leave. "I'll be alright, Barry. Plus, Cisco and Julian are going to be here in case anything does happen. So, don't worry about me."

He sniffed. That was a tall order to fill; he was always going to worry about her. She meant a lot to him. She was one of the people he could not do this without. He _needed_ her. Really needed her. As much as he relied on Iris and Joe to give him advice and help him through the hard times, he had an immediate connection with Caitlin that allowed her to run deep and ground him like no other.

"Iris doesn't mind, honestly. She understands," Barry said, trying one last time to persuade Caitlin to let him stay.

"I know," Caitlin told him defeatedly, biting her lip again, making Barry wonder what was bothering her, because obviously the action indicated something was. "But for me, please go."

Barry sighed, running his free hand through his hair. "Okay," he gave in breathlessly, "but let me at least stay until you fall asleep again?"

Caitlin looked like she wanted to fight it, but she was far too tired herself to fight him anymore. "Fine," she relented over a yawn, her eyes already closing.

He waited for a handful of moments, still holding her hand and waiting for her breathing to even. And even when her breathing evened and she was letting out a tiny snore, he stayed just a little bit longer.

His whole body felt like it had been turned to lead, making it difficult to move, difficult to leave. He just couldn't shake this feeling of dread - this apprehension that if he left her side that she'd disappear.

Wanting to honor her wish, Barry eventually got up. He leaned over, pressing a lingering, tender kiss to her hairline. "Night, Caitlin," he whispered as he backed away from her bed, holding onto her hand until the distance made it impossible.

A few hours later, Killer Frost rose, and Barry saw his Caitlin buried deep within this evil persona. Her softness was harsh, her patience was agitated, and her warmth was cold. And before he could even reach out to her, to feel her and know that she was still Caitlin under all the cold, she disappeared.

* * *

 **A/N:** Just a small little one-shot that I came up with yesterday, since I was so pissed Barry wasn't there for Caitlin after her surgery. They've written Barry horribly this season, and I know Season 1 or 2 Barry wouldn't have wanted to leave her after such a thing happened - romantic feelings or not - they're best friends first and I call bullshit!

There is a subtle feeling of romantic feelings here (because I can't help myself), but mainly on Caitlin's part - Barry's just always oblivious to his own feelings. But I felt like Caitlin wouldn't want him to stick around because she would feel guilty that she was imposing on his happiness, or even potential happiness, because that is such a selfless Caitlin thing to think and do.

But yeah, let me know what you all think! No lie, I almost cried writing this, so let me know if it hit you in the feels ;)


End file.
